I feel as if highschool honestly prepared me for nothing! I have no idea what is out there, no idea what so ever…. Why wasn’t there a class that taught us all about the jobs that were out there, or just give us a list of jobs and have us research it. OR! Maybe have the whole class just be about that list, instead of wasting time like we did in my careers class we had, just have us research all the time about these jobs to open our mind as to what is out there. They spend all four years preparing us for our jobs and schooling once we’re done highschool and yet we have no idea what we are going to do. Obviously there are some people who know, but for those like me there should be an additional optional course, I mean I took two spares, I would have been glad to fill one with this class. Now I sit in this world that I know nothing about. I work a mediocre minimum wage part time job and I want my life to start now, no more breaks, no more games. I want to know what to do NOW! No more years off. Do something with my life. Even if it’s just something for right now, I can change it later. Where was my help? Where was my guidance? I know my highschool certainly gave me crap. Three, three councillors at my school and there are so many of us who have no idea what the heck it was they did all day. They were useless to me. And their stupid placement tests that would grade us and tell us where we should be were just as useless as they were. They all told me the same thing. Writer. And that is what I want to do most in the world, but guess what, it’s not in the cards for me right now seeing as I need money first. So now what uh? Now what?

All I see his him. He is a beautiful person to me. And sometimes I look at him and I wonder how it’s possible for him to feel the same as me. I’m an incredible pain in the butt 99% of the time and yet here he stands. We’ve been through our fair share of hardships, trust me on that one. But it seems as if with everyone we’ve gone through it has brought us closer together. How is that possible? How could I be so lucky to have someone I have the STRONGEST feelings for, feel those in return. Sometimes I wish I could just jump into his body and feel exactly what it is he feels for me, just to know if it is the same. Or more if that is even possible. I don’t think he realizes it, but there are times when I just stare at him from a far. When he’s with my family or my friends, or just in general.. I watch him interact with them and just wonder how I could be so lucky. And then I think about how hot he is but I feel as if that would be an obvious thought I don’t need to voice to you. 

There are moments when I wish I handled things with us just a little differently. Like his ever apparent past that loves to pop up and just mock me… Tease me, taunt me, harass me more like. Most often than not I end up furious, steaming from the ears and profusely angry with him for something that his now beyond his control. We all have things in our past we prefer to remain hidden, luckily and unluckily I know about them. I’d rather know than not know. As contradicting as this statement may be, it allows me to stay level headed in the situations life likes to put me in. I have had to deal with things wayyyyyy beyond my maturity level, trust me on that. However, I have also learnt so many various ways as to how to deal with people and their behaviour, i’ve learned how to reason and be on their level of thinking. His decisions most of the time don’t only effect him, nor just I, but often effects others. And now I am good at cleaning the messes. It’s to the point where I no longer clean only our messes, but I help my friends with their messes of their own. 

No matter what my love for him is strong and I certainly hope his is the same for me. He acts as if it is so I can say that matter of factly. He is not only my boyfriend, my love, but also my best friend. I begin to show flame when somebody decides to take it upon themselves to mess with not only my life, but also my dear. I don’t know what I would do without him in my life, I would certainly be lost and broken beyond repair, I’ve experienced it once, I would prefer not to experience it again. My heart is whole with him, and as much as I may have emotional breakdowns, cry sessions, and complete freak outs. As many times as I may say that I hate him, he’s a jerk (amongst many other names). He still remains this ginormous part of me, almost all of me. He lies in my entirety. And all of these things are very large understatements. I wish these days prolong to many more months and years, as the sparkle in my eye requires him to stay.

I really wish you would have never come in to our lives.

I just feel so angry. I didn’t even notice how angry I was until something I hung up fell and I just started to rage. It’s as if I am so angry that I could simply cry. As if all I really need to do is have a really good, hard and long cry. At the same time though, that is far from what I really want to do. I should be stronger than all of this. These mediocre thoughts and jumbles that crowd my sleeping mind and stop me from living. I wish I could just clean! Just tear apart my room and my bathroom and just scrub it all down, relieving my frustration with the suds of soap and that sparkling shine brightening not only my life, my mood, but also my life. To bad it’s 3am.. 

I hate when i desperately want to cry but i am in neither the time or place for it.

My thoughts go out to all of Boston tonight!

What if in the scheme of things we arent meant to be saved by someone, whether it be someone special or not, not matter who. Maybe we are meant to save ourselves in some way. And maybe waiting on someone to do that for us is making us fall short of ourselves.

I guess the lesson is, don’t put anyone on a pedestal. Even Saints let you down.